DSCF7880Okay…so I am trying this for the first time. Technology is often not my friend, but I feel  I need to do this for a greater purpose, so technology aside, I will proceed.

Words are constantly revolving around in my brain. Yes…..I am very random, and maybe I’m the only one who can follow the rabbit trail; all I know is I want to put my words somewhere, in an effort, selfishly, to help myself through this often mind-boggling experience, but more importantly, to help others through their journey.

Ever since facebook came into existence, it has opened up a whole world of communication for a whole lot of people. I, for one, have been very thankful for it, as it has put me in touch with old friends and has given me a few new friends, as well. But recently I discovered, again in my own head, that I have been spending far too much time on facebook and have been dependent on others to feed my need.

When Carly’s accident first happened, I counted on those around me, friends and family, to come to MY rescue. Why? Because I was so afraid and so unsure of what was to come. Even before she was gone, the journey of grief had started. This road had never been traveled. Though I knew my main resource was God, and my faith was in Him and Him alone, and I always felt His presence, I was still at a significant loss of what to do about the present circumstances and those to come. I was helpless. Facebook gave me a platform to cry out to others in the wee hours before God called Carly home. You, my friends, were there when the world around me was asleep. I could count on you to hear my heart, dress my wounds and wipe my tears away. Yes, I had God to cry out to….always. But, as my dear former pastor, Jerry Coleman once put it, “sometimes you need people in skin”. You were there for me. And for that I am very thankful. One gets to feel very needy and very self-centered when one in inconsolable.

It is easy to say, “I have faith that God is working all things together for good.” It is another thing to live it out when your child’s life, your life, and your family’s lives have been turned upside down. The fears, the doctors’ words, the black and white facts confronting you. What am I to do with this? It certainly was not all about me. It was all about Carly Grace. As she lay there in the ER, unconscious and hooked up to a ventilator, “to assist her in her breathing”, and the words of the doctor, making much sense to him as he presents it, but making no sense to me, “There is no major bleed in her brain, but I am concerned about the scattered pattern of small bleeds present. It points to her having had a brain shear, from an impact to her head on one side followed by a second impact on the other. It is not a hopeful scenario.” What? What?? He may as well have been talking in another language. All I heard was “not hopeful”. If there is no hope, than what is there? Oh, dear God! Miracle here! This can’t be how it ends.

Oh, how I would love to be here saying THAT miracle came, that she is a walking, talking, back-to-normal, funny and feisty Carly that we all knew and love. How I would love to be able to say to the skeptics, “See! Believe! Only have faith!” How many times I have said, “Why? Why, Lord, didn’t you show your glory by healing her from all of this?” As my former pastor put it; this belongs in the box of Mystery and Majesty. Some questions will never be answered, at least not to our liking. But one day we will know and understand.

But we had to go somewhere. Somewhere from where we were. Somewhere from the ICU. Somewhere from the final moments when we had to say goodbye. Somewhere….else. Anywhere else. Anywhere is a big place, a place to run away to, or to run away from. But it is a place we all face one day, unwillingly. It is a journey to a place, to that anywhere, that place where we can come to terms with grief and faith.

These words seem to be opposites to me. Grief. Wikipedia..and we all know we can get the real deal from Wikipedia….puts it this way: Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Wow. That does not say it all. thefreedictionary.com says it more realistically: deep mental anguish. Yes…. deep…. mental….anguish. I know most who might happen to read this have suffered deep mental anguish. Anguish, to me says a feeling you really can’t put into words. You only feel it deep inside your soul. Anguish you can’t extinguish. If you haven’t felt it, I am sorry to say, you probably will. Loss is inevitable. Your response to that loss may differ from someone else’s, but you will experience it. 

I am writing this now because, believe it or not, one year and three months later, it has finally sunk in that Carly is no longer here. Whether I am a slow learner, have been in an extended state of denial, or whether this is something others have done, I don’t know. As I said, I have never done this before. I lost my parents almost 20 years ago, but those deaths didn’t have near the same impact. You expect to lose your parents. You don’t expect to lose your child. How many time have you heard “no parent should have to bury their child”. Any parent would have to agree with that, especially those parents who have had to. It is, indeed, an unexpected journey. I will end today’s entry, but will start at the beginning with my next on that other word “faith”. I would so appreciate input from others who have walked this path, to enlighten it for both myself and for other readers. God bless you.